speed of infinite

And all i want to do is crawl back into bed and let time reverse. Back to yesterday, when you fell asleep on my shoulder, listening to music that makes me sigh. Back to nights before, when you held me on the subway, and it felt like infinity. Every time I just want you to hold me, it feels like you just want something more. My heart aches at thinking perhaps I'm not what you really wanted. But I keep my mouth shut. I want to go to barnes and nobles so that I can read and forget everything else in the world. Or watch movies, movies I love.

Yesterday, I was so vulnerable. Making you jealous isn't my intention, but maybe its the only way for me to see if you care.

And I'm so scared of telling you exactly how I feel, because then maybe you'll feel smothered. And then you'll think I'm too clingy. So I hold it all in (for every 'I miss you' I don't say, I take deep breaths). I just wish it weren't so embarassingly apparent.

Je t'aime

We were crazy, like children introduced to chocolats. And we stood there on top of the picnic table, laughing and screaming until our sides burst and our breaths were thin as paper dolls pinned up to bulletin boards (but we broke free). I don't even remember what we were laughing about, but it was the greatest feeling in the world. "We should record our lives" (I think that is absolutely briliant). If I could document every living moment where I really existed in that moment, in that place in time, I could replay it when all I could feel like was losing myself. "11:11!" I shouted, and then we squeezed our eyes shut and prayed that maybe we'd get our wishes (I wished for him to love). We giggled nonsenses into the gigantic celestial sphere of stars, our voices lost between crackling leaves, ready to turn red and orange for fall. When they get crunched on during autumn, the echoes of our laughter will seep out like water from a sponge (I am sure of it). I believe in the law of attraction. I believe in fate, in sunday sundaes, in eating oranges at 2 am, and in loving you. All I can breathe is your scent between my bedsheets and when I begin to miss you too much, I always pull knotted straw wrappers, hoping you're thinking of me. Believe, believe, believe.

I believe in you.
Please believe in me.

the last week in california

The past weeks have been quite wonderful (and sometimes complicated). Anyways, this week, I took care of sheena after hanging out with debs & euge at americana. Nights out with just-friends and sleeping at 3 am. Brunch with luella at mimi's and then shopping around at the new forever 21. I saw chase and emily at sushi (and brandon for only a minute), and I watched the rocker + clonewars with kg. (Teddy geiger is my loveeeee). We had so much fun; I missed him so much. I saw you again and I couldn't stop from holding on to tight, but maybe thats why you can't breathe any more.

Today was one of the best days of summer ever. I had brunch with christine in the valley; she gave me a hand sewn doll named ju-stink-oh (hahaha an inside joke from fifth grade). And then we hung out a bit at her house, catching up on the past year or so. The thing I love about our relationship is that no matter how much time passes by, we seem to pick up right where we leave off, like nothing has changed in the past year. Anyhow, I went to kristen's and we spontaneously decided to go to the farmer's market (cross that off my checklist at last). I bought my mom orchids and we drove back home to drop them off. Then we decided to go to olvera st, but when we hit traffic, we decided that melrose was the better decision since it was wayyy closer (and I was about to kill someone). We walked up and down the street and had the most wonderful time. We once again, spontaneously decided to go to universal city walk to eat at hard rock cafe. Our waiter was rediculously cute, and we spent a large amout of time in the candy shop. Getting lost on the way home (we made some weird circle), we had so much fun just hanging out. This was really a great day (now only if... but thats just wishful thinking).

I'm finally going to be leaving. I'm trying to cram in seeing everyone I possibly can in the next few days since I'm leaving in only three days. It almost seems sureal, like I'm not really leaving, but there are moments when it really hits me and I almost panic because I feel so unprepared (I was much more prepared the last time I went to boston). Wellesley here I come, whether I'm ready or not. (Oh I have such a strange feeling in my stomach).

you know that you need to stop

I feel so entirely pathetic, to let you get to me like that. All I can hope for is that my brain will disconnect from my heart, and my heart from my body. Days pass by so quickly, yet so slowly without seeing you here. (I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get attached, but how could you not?)

Wednesday the 30th: I went over to luella's to watch a series of unfortunate events. We went over to a. to carwash and spent hours scrubbing the hubcaps. Partying it up at night, I really made a big mistake. It was so much fun, though this week has been full of firsts. Everyone was super nice, and I had fun, but I almost started crying on the way home. Guilty conscience I suppose. (I really did feel bad getting caught).

Thursday the 31st: the girls + jusin went to the getty to picnic and look at pictures and photographs. There was this interesting photography gallery where it was the progression of humanity and how that progression is actually the destruction of humanity. It was some amazing stuff. Then we made masks; I was harry potter, luella was joker, lauren was darth, jusin was just a blank face. We had so much fun just wearing them around. I also forgot that I ate breakfast with luella (she makes a mean tuna melt!). I had to run errands, it was so rediculous.

Friday August 1st: I don't remember much except getting my hair cut and shopping for college stuff. It finally started to hit me that I'm leaving to the east coast; mom and I stood silently in contemplation (I almost started crying in the middle of target). Everything I bought was pink except the towels :) I'm so glad my roommate likes pink. I ate italian with my parents (first time I had dinner with them in a long time). They headed off to church; I headed home. I was feeling a bit lonesome; luella and lauren were going to oxnard and I felt almost lost. Instead, I watched Tristan + Isolde with v & j. It's such a lovely movie and it makes me feel so heartbroken (I'm going to name my son Tristan I swear).

coffee breaths

And I'm not hallucinating. My brain is such a wreck right now, but I know I'm right about this because everyone else sees it too. I feel like a starfish, slowly attaching myself to things that will disappear; and yet, I'm not the starfish because I am also the one slowly disappearing. If I could only understand what's around me, like extending my thoughts, projecting them through space and time.

Monday, I rolled out of bed and waited for the phone to ring. I went to venice beach with the gang; my dslr died, so I took pictures with my manual film camera that I bought from the flea market. We roamed the streets and looked at the weird buddha statue. Then we ate sandwiches that j. had made (he is a very good cook, I must say). We went to the rocks in the sand and did yoga stances and chased the seagulls and pretended we had only one toe (lauren). Everyone was like a banded discord; I wrote your name in the sand. I kept talking because I only wanted you to notice, but I'm beginning to realize its to late and all we can do is reminisce of better times. We stargazed.

Today, an earthquake woke me up. Consequently, I forgot my fantastic dream (I know it was good because I was sad that I woke up). It wasn't like the past dreams where its a chase or something restless; it was an adventure, but not one that wears you out. I went over to luella's and she uploaded the pictures from our photoshoot a couple days ago. We were supposed to watch gilmore girls, but I'm sure we'll get around to that soon (I'm a bit excited since my roommate loves that show). I went back home to buy groceries and eat raspberries and make chocolate cream pie (cross that off the checklist). I went back to lauren's, but d. called and we were going to leave. After much confusion, d & I ended up getting starbucks then watching this little city twinkle from the park on the hill. I don't know how to feel; I dont know how to think. What is living without regrets? I don't know any more.

two years is long enough

This weekend was the most fun I had in a long time. Saturday ended up with me partying with my cousins (you wouldn't believe how much fun we had). From homemade guacamole to lost earring backing and broken beer bottles to pooky being drunk (I swear it was philip who did it). It was such a blast; we had a barbecue by the pool and there was endless limes with margaritas. I was hassling eugene so bad; it hurts me to think of it. Philip wore my necklace, my locket. And I wore eugene's yellow shirt. I had the best talk with debs (and us trashing about bosses, and how much she hates hers). I slept over deb's and eunie's with john driving. I couldn't stay awake nomatter how hard I tried. Sunday we missed church, but we ate ramen instead and watched this really dumb movie. I got home and got ready for adeann's debut (we ended up being on time despite how late we were). Awkward conversations, sitting in between fish and kentin. We threw shells at each other and I swear they were going to try to eat the beta fish. Danny was there, and so was eddie and eileen. I didn't do my hair, but i should have brought a hairtie. Dancing all night long was so much fun, even if it was a bit awkward at first. And too many confessions for one night. I've had so many dreams, but I can't remember anything. In fact, I know there is so much I don't remember because everything was such a blur.

This week, I am going to accomplish alot on my summer to do list! I promise. But I'll specify exactly what I'm going to do:
venice beach with the gang (monday)
picnic at the getty (thursday)
get a new haircut?
make more felt dolls (when i'm free)
lemonaide from little kids
lunch with kg (next week)

chill with danny (tuesday)
make chocolate cream pie
send a message in a bottle

s'mores & stargazing (soon)

I am slipping through,

I got lost today (literally). After brunch with my parents in our breakfast nook, I fell back asleep because I stayed up all night reading The Subtle Knife and listening to slow tunes. I went to church late; they were happy to see me (its been a month since I've gone). Pb & Audrey took me to cpk and to borders to get two journals (one red lined and a plain black moleskine). Fil was there, and sometimes when you see him suddenly, your feel a bit stunned and your heart pounds violently like its trying to rip out of your chest (he is really gorgeous). Then I got all confuzled and went home the wrong way. I'm at luella's now and anthony & jusin are over. They are cutting out pictures from magazines; I shall join them soon. I miss nic so much, I hope that I see him before I leave across the country (only 5 more weeks). Time goes by so fast; I'm really scared on the inside even though I've said I want to leave so badly. I'm just really scared of change and of the unknown, and of missing everything at home. I'm running out of time and of excuses.

Guess who.

Today I woke up after the sun was already in the sky, and I took forever to get ready. For some reason I dreaded being around others, but when I finally came, I felt much better. Lollicup again when anthony is working. Reading magazines, catching up on drawing. Lost words, like lost boys; Sleepy Hollow was fantastic, Johnny Depp is quite an actor (though no one could take him seriously, and we kept laughing at the man with fangs). Music through blue headphones, and I'm sorry to say that I pushed you away, I just wanted to be alone. Night walks in these boots, guitar playing with my fingers aching again. Maybe if we lived forever I could begin to form words to capture exactly what I feel, but I'm glad you did.

And here I am, sitting like a hopeless dreamer, wishing for apple pie and ice cream sundaes. Its already 3 am; where has all of the time gone? It slips away so quickly like a fast moving current or a getaway car (you see its already sunday, and it feels like monday only hours ago). I've been reading my little narnia quote book with little sayings like "When things go wring, you'll find they ususally go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better" which I find completely true.

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

X marks the spot. Sometimes I get this feeling like we are all in a slowmotion cycle that repeats itself over and over again. The same piano songs, the same feeling inside my heart that I hide away from the world like a secret compartment locked away deep deep deep in the center of my being, like everything passes through me as if I'm an open door. Sometimes I want to be invisible and sometimes I wish I could scream out to tell you exactly what my heart feels. I haven't made any progress saying what I feel, and maybe that's why I feel so terrible holding it inside (implosions that go boom).

Today I had breakfast at noon with luella, an orthodontist appointment to take a mold of my teeth, chocolate shakes with kg and endless hours of conversation, a round of pokemon monopoly where I was last, and guitarhero/brawl. Anthony is here nowwwwww (finally after 11). Goodnight and goodbye.

I am not wendybird.

I think I'm beginning to realize why I'm so disconnected from everyone else, why I feel so distant from the people around me (maybe this is how stars that are not part of the constellations feel). To close your thoughts and feelings to others is to shut them out she had said to me. You become a pariah, a recluse. Secluded from the ones that love you most, you feel like. you feel like you're trapped in an iceberg Maybe this is how the sailor felt when he locked his heart in a chest and threw it out into the sea. Maybe that is what I have done, gone on living without a real human heart.

I wish I had pretty tiny writing like a typewriter, and petite little hands to match. I wish I lived in a fairy tale. I don't ever want to take anything for granted, but it seems like I always do with everything I have. But I promise I will try from now on (the forget me-knot to remember).

i wish i had an epiphany

I don't even know how to say what I mean. Its like trying to fit my scattered thoughts through a funnel to form coherent words and phrases, except that they won't go through. Maybe its my lips that are blocking what I want to say (or my brain). Practice, practice, practice makes perfect. But everything's going swimmingly and I don't want to ruin things because everyone seems happy just the way things are. I think my brain is going to explode from holding it all in and then everything will come tumble out of my mouth as incoherent thoughts that make no sense at all.

a simple day:

7:58 am I watched Amelie, and when I finished, the sun had come up. I put my head down on my cloud pillow and said I would only sleep for a few hours.
3:13 pm Slightly disoriented, I lifted my head in the heat of the blazing sun. Glancing at the clock, I realized my parents went to church without me. Shower.
4:31 pm I called luella, she was at v&a. I drove the mini and listened to music and wrote essays all day. Then we ate.
8:04 pm I made dinner for my parents. We watched Amelie, and my dad loved it.
3:56 am I'm still awake & I'm slightly panicked because I really need to do that math placement exam (I don't remember any math at all). I made a todo list for this summer (I know its a bit late, but I want to get as much done this summer as possible. No more sitting around!).

http://listography.com/clairelee

If you could have any thing, what would it be?

The power to express myself without any barriers.
I wish I were terribly creative or clever or witty, that I could talk like Elizabeth Bennet or take photographs like Samantha. I wish I had so much more to offer, that my eyes would see beauty in the simple things of life, " to look for things no one else catches."

Kg came over my house and we watched starwars episode six. It was spectacular; Darth is my favorite. We then headed over to lauren's to bake a&v cupcakes (pokemon cupcakes). We ended up watching Amelie, such a beautiful movie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've been playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete from Amelie on repeat and closing my eyes in the dark. I can hear the train whistle through the night (I always try to pass under the bridge when it is going across). I feel so restless, so I've been arranging things in my room, sorting things into piles of things that I will keep here and things I will take with me to Wellesley. Daddy came home from his trip today; it feels like when I was young and he would go off to trips for days on end. He brought me gifts, but I'm a bit sad because he won't allow me to go to abts.

I want to scream "I want to be alive too." Its so hard being left behind.

"It's not your fault. Perhaps this was really the only thing I had ever wanted to say to anyone, and be told."

I'm reading bits and pieces of her stories. The first one was about an imaginary affair between two neighbors called "The Shared Patio" (the title is a quote from this story). It made me feel a bit better, reading it in the cool moonless night of my patio. I was talking to nic, and I began to realize I want someone that genuinely deeply cares about me. There are so many people surrounding me that I see having that; I've become a bit jealous because I just want that too. (Its so hard feeling alone). And when you mentioned what happened yesterday, lying on the blankets, how I looked lost when they talked, you made me feel like someone finally understands me. The best bit of advice from nic:

"Don't worry Claire. There has to be a reason why I'm where I'm at, and there's a reason why you are where you're at."

I cant sleep cause it hurts when I think

I slept when the sun came up because I was reading all the new books (and the ones dean lent me). I woke up late after everyone already went to the beach. I have this weird feeling in my tummy, like its an empty black hole. Everything's lined up neatly in a row; I've put Jack Johnson on repeat. Now I wish I could rearrange my molecules into his voice and travel through the airwaves. It hurts so much more now than it did before. The only refuge I can find is the ones you disagree with.

edit:
So this entire day has been a jumble, ups and downs. I went over to eileen's to watch pan's labyrinth; it was such a sad movie. After a mountain of sweets & goldfish, I headed home, but through sheer inspiration, I hopped off at RR. I walked through the entire golf course for an hour, gazing at the beauty. I had never felt so serene and one with nature, with the sky and the leaves, the wind blowing a cool breeze on my face. I came home, a bit distraught after a woman yelled at me and said I was going to get hit in the head with a golfball. When I got home, I was shocked at all of the drama that had been going on. I really just didn't want any drama, especially getting involved in things I don't care about. (Everyone's real mature, aren't we?) Anyways, to ease how upset I was over this entire (d/a) situation, I got malted milkshakes with kristen. And got more mad at certain people in the process. Ah well, I hope this all blows over.

indecisive decisions

The morning sun evaded me again. But despite my late awakening, I had a wonderful time because I went over to kg's to watch starwars episode five. We talked for hours. I missed his laugh, his smile, his hair. The way his hugs always seemed to cover my entire frail body, and his new cast with a poem on the bottom of his foot. It talked about his soon to come leg tan. And then we drank chocolate milk.

Our happiness together was short lived, as I left and joined the gang as we set off on a journey to trader joe's (joe giant toe). Strawberry, green tea, and chocolate mochi passed around our minivan. We laughed about courage the cowardly dog and lauren's favorite episode about the sad dr. zealoust. Kristen then wisked me away (kidnapped really), and we drove to bridgeport with our identical irish cream mocha coffees in our hand. I unloaded all of my burdens, and she hers. I haven't felt so relieved for a long time, I hadn't seen her for a long time.

I have so many bug bites all over my bare back and arms and shoulders (That is what I get for reading outside with the lamp). Tonight I am feeling sad. I am no longer a part of theirs. No its not their fault, its mine, isn't it? Just like you pointed out.

P.S. Feltbunny has been inside my bag this entire journey. I'm very sorry, he must feel neglected.

"Why do I fall in love with every man I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

you've got a robot heart.

Today was made of two parts: the first was wonderful. Lunch with an old friend, and ice cream too. Then WALL E; and my heart skipped a beat when you held my hand. Its so pathetic how easily I fall for little tricks and sweet words. You're a smooth operator.
Part II: My heart is heavy, and its too hard to lift my eyes. The shame burns through like you have laserbeam eyes. You see right through me, but my stubborn eyes refuse to see. I fucked up, and there's nothing worse than the weight of your disappointment. I let myself go, and I let the drinks pour. I swear I'm not living unless I'm with you (but I swear I won't have this any more).

grab your bag and let's go

Hello, I have been sleeping all day; I feel lethargic, like everything is in slow motion. I'm trying hard not to regret, but its fairly hard when opportunities open up and

you have to say no (ugh I reallly want to go to EDC). I'm trying out my new black ihome :) and its nothing short of amazing. Feltbunny has been sitting on my desk, observing my collection of bracelets. I recently acquired two new bracelets: a braided leather cord and my pink bunny watch (shown above).

I'm waiting for a miracle happening.