Reasons for my beating heart

Sometimes, it feels like everything is so hard to deal with. Like the simplest tasks take an enormous amount of effort, and little things make you feel like crying. Then I try to remind myself that everything will be alright.

“When things go wrong, you’ll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start to go right they often go on getting better and better."
C.S. Lewis, The Magician’s Nephew

Do you ever wonder what it's like to be blind?

I dreamed that I was with peter pan, and he took my hand as we flew up. Only, we were on a narrow stage and I had ropes and pullies to make me fly. And I woke up sad that I couldn't believe. I made a mixtape for when I feel like the day has gone all wrong and i want you to be here and kiss me gently on my forehead and say everything will be okay. Two weeks till I dream of California's soft waves and breathe in the warm air. Two weeks till in-and-out, and late night coffee runs, and hugs that last for infinity. But know this: no matter where I go, my heart will stay with you.

"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them."
-ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY, from The Little Prince

"What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?" -Christopher McCandless

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
- Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being A Wallflower

i only pretend to make things simpler.

I haven't been able to get online for the past few days (I'm still waiting for my laptop to be repaired). Its strange; all of my friend's laptops are breaking. Maybe its fate. I really want to go to Love Festival (but I know somehow something is going to prevent me). Anyways, I've been extremely busy, and frankly, I'm dead tired; I just want a nice break from this crazy eventful week.

Thursday: I woke up in the afternoon; headed over to lauren's after baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We took pictures, tons and tons of pictures. They were so much fun, being able to take model pictures and just mess around with the shutterspeed and ISO,etc. There were so many cute pictures of lauren and elephants and luella and cookies and milk and so much more. We watched american beauty; it was so sad. I want a boy like Ricky (even though he is a drugdealer). I went home with such a weird feeling in my heart. Here's one of my favorite quotes said by Ricky: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Friday: Woke up to go to Universal with dean, sean, andrea, and her friend cosby. Honest, I tried my hardest to act normal and be happy, but it was so hard. There were so many things going on in my head and I just had the hardest time talking to anyone. I was just in my own world. We went to citywalk after and ate at bubba gumps (there was a really hott waiter that I missed and yelled when by fate or chance, he walked past when I looked the other way). We were people watching too on the bench outside. He said alines were his weakness; I don't know if I should get one now otherwise it might seem like I'm trying to get him. We came home late; I feigned sleepyness and just looked at the stars looking down on me. Theres and empty hole here; and its aching. So I watched Amelie again because it is so beautiful and it helps me feel better, but I fell asleep before I could finish.

Today, I'm heading over to philip and albert's. They were in my dream last night (a very strange long dream I had). It was like in that book where you're at a party, a surprise party with everyone in the whole world you know there. And they're all there for you; and they're all saying sorry for hurting you and congratulating you, and smiling at you. And he was there; and you were there, and jane was there, too. And I had lost, but it was alright; you said it was only a test, that life is better than that. That I really won by losing. And my grandpa was there too even though he died years ago. He gave me a teacup with a lid. And he spoke to me and taught me a song, but I couldn't catch the words fast enough. He was nothing like he was in real life; no more grumpy cross grandpa, just a loving, forgiving person. He always loved my brother best; and maybe thats why he was there.

Guess who.

Today I woke up after the sun was already in the sky, and I took forever to get ready. For some reason I dreaded being around others, but when I finally came, I felt much better. Lollicup again when anthony is working. Reading magazines, catching up on drawing. Lost words, like lost boys; Sleepy Hollow was fantastic, Johnny Depp is quite an actor (though no one could take him seriously, and we kept laughing at the man with fangs). Music through blue headphones, and I'm sorry to say that I pushed you away, I just wanted to be alone. Night walks in these boots, guitar playing with my fingers aching again. Maybe if we lived forever I could begin to form words to capture exactly what I feel, but I'm glad you did.

And here I am, sitting like a hopeless dreamer, wishing for apple pie and ice cream sundaes. Its already 3 am; where has all of the time gone? It slips away so quickly like a fast moving current or a getaway car (you see its already sunday, and it feels like monday only hours ago). I've been reading my little narnia quote book with little sayings like "When things go wring, you'll find they ususally go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better" which I find completely true.

DESTROY WHAT YOU HAVE LOVED
& LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE DESTROYED.

- Saint Remigius / Saint Rémi

If you could have any thing, what would it be?

The power to express myself without any barriers.
I wish I were terribly creative or clever or witty, that I could talk like Elizabeth Bennet or take photographs like Samantha. I wish I had so much more to offer, that my eyes would see beauty in the simple things of life, " to look for things no one else catches."

Kg came over my house and we watched starwars episode six. It was spectacular; Darth is my favorite. We then headed over to lauren's to bake a&v cupcakes (pokemon cupcakes). We ended up watching Amelie, such a beautiful movie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've been playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete from Amelie on repeat and closing my eyes in the dark. I can hear the train whistle through the night (I always try to pass under the bridge when it is going across). I feel so restless, so I've been arranging things in my room, sorting things into piles of things that I will keep here and things I will take with me to Wellesley. Daddy came home from his trip today; it feels like when I was young and he would go off to trips for days on end. He brought me gifts, but I'm a bit sad because he won't allow me to go to abts.

I want to scream "I want to be alive too." Its so hard being left behind.

"It's not your fault. Perhaps this was really the only thing I had ever wanted to say to anyone, and be told."

I'm reading bits and pieces of her stories. The first one was about an imaginary affair between two neighbors called "The Shared Patio" (the title is a quote from this story). It made me feel a bit better, reading it in the cool moonless night of my patio. I was talking to nic, and I began to realize I want someone that genuinely deeply cares about me. There are so many people surrounding me that I see having that; I've become a bit jealous because I just want that too. (Its so hard feeling alone). And when you mentioned what happened yesterday, lying on the blankets, how I looked lost when they talked, you made me feel like someone finally understands me. The best bit of advice from nic:

"Don't worry Claire. There has to be a reason why I'm where I'm at, and there's a reason why you are where you're at."