Do you ever wonder what it's like to be blind?

I dreamed that I was with peter pan, and he took my hand as we flew up. Only, we were on a narrow stage and I had ropes and pullies to make me fly. And I woke up sad that I couldn't believe. I made a mixtape for when I feel like the day has gone all wrong and i want you to be here and kiss me gently on my forehead and say everything will be okay. Two weeks till I dream of California's soft waves and breathe in the warm air. Two weeks till in-and-out, and late night coffee runs, and hugs that last for infinity. But know this: no matter where I go, my heart will stay with you.

"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them."
-ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY, from The Little Prince

And everyone is such a let down.

I skipped my class and rode my bike to the town library.
And then I borrowed Dreamland and Lirael.
I stopped by starbucks on the way back, placing it in my basket.
It spilled a little, but I asked them to put it in a bigger cup.
They have holiday cups now, the red ones with snowflakes on them,
and peppermint mocha and gingerbread flavors.
It reminds me of justin, and all of those december days.
And it reminded me of home,
and it reminded me of the bear hugs you gave,
and it reminded me of summer nights at the golf course
gazing out to see the infinite stars, coldly stare back at us.
And he had called, but I missed it.
Then when I began to read, I was she.
And now I have this emptiness in my heart.
I just want to read robert frost and drink tea.
Or be lulled into dreamland.

11:26 pm

i love you claire, and i would do that
cuz i would do like anything
to get out of here
and be with you.

the last week in california

The past weeks have been quite wonderful (and sometimes complicated). Anyways, this week, I took care of sheena after hanging out with debs & euge at americana. Nights out with just-friends and sleeping at 3 am. Brunch with luella at mimi's and then shopping around at the new forever 21. I saw chase and emily at sushi (and brandon for only a minute), and I watched the rocker + clonewars with kg. (Teddy geiger is my loveeeee). We had so much fun; I missed him so much. I saw you again and I couldn't stop from holding on to tight, but maybe thats why you can't breathe any more.

Today was one of the best days of summer ever. I had brunch with christine in the valley; she gave me a hand sewn doll named ju-stink-oh (hahaha an inside joke from fifth grade). And then we hung out a bit at her house, catching up on the past year or so. The thing I love about our relationship is that no matter how much time passes by, we seem to pick up right where we leave off, like nothing has changed in the past year. Anyhow, I went to kristen's and we spontaneously decided to go to the farmer's market (cross that off my checklist at last). I bought my mom orchids and we drove back home to drop them off. Then we decided to go to olvera st, but when we hit traffic, we decided that melrose was the better decision since it was wayyy closer (and I was about to kill someone). We walked up and down the street and had the most wonderful time. We once again, spontaneously decided to go to universal city walk to eat at hard rock cafe. Our waiter was rediculously cute, and we spent a large amout of time in the candy shop. Getting lost on the way home (we made some weird circle), we had so much fun just hanging out. This was really a great day (now only if... but thats just wishful thinking).

I'm finally going to be leaving. I'm trying to cram in seeing everyone I possibly can in the next few days since I'm leaving in only three days. It almost seems sureal, like I'm not really leaving, but there are moments when it really hits me and I almost panic because I feel so unprepared (I was much more prepared the last time I went to boston). Wellesley here I come, whether I'm ready or not. (Oh I have such a strange feeling in my stomach).

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

X marks the spot. Sometimes I get this feeling like we are all in a slowmotion cycle that repeats itself over and over again. The same piano songs, the same feeling inside my heart that I hide away from the world like a secret compartment locked away deep deep deep in the center of my being, like everything passes through me as if I'm an open door. Sometimes I want to be invisible and sometimes I wish I could scream out to tell you exactly what my heart feels. I haven't made any progress saying what I feel, and maybe that's why I feel so terrible holding it inside (implosions that go boom).

Today I had breakfast at noon with luella, an orthodontist appointment to take a mold of my teeth, chocolate shakes with kg and endless hours of conversation, a round of pokemon monopoly where I was last, and guitarhero/brawl. Anthony is here nowwwwww (finally after 11). Goodnight and goodbye.

If you could have any thing, what would it be?

The power to express myself without any barriers.
I wish I were terribly creative or clever or witty, that I could talk like Elizabeth Bennet or take photographs like Samantha. I wish I had so much more to offer, that my eyes would see beauty in the simple things of life, " to look for things no one else catches."

Kg came over my house and we watched starwars episode six. It was spectacular; Darth is my favorite. We then headed over to lauren's to bake a&v cupcakes (pokemon cupcakes). We ended up watching Amelie, such a beautiful movie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've been playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete from Amelie on repeat and closing my eyes in the dark. I can hear the train whistle through the night (I always try to pass under the bridge when it is going across). I feel so restless, so I've been arranging things in my room, sorting things into piles of things that I will keep here and things I will take with me to Wellesley. Daddy came home from his trip today; it feels like when I was young and he would go off to trips for days on end. He brought me gifts, but I'm a bit sad because he won't allow me to go to abts.

I want to scream "I want to be alive too." Its so hard being left behind.

all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom

Today, I woke up earlier than usual. I've been putting a hole in my wallet, but I did
get a new green wallet today. I baked strawberry cupcakes for kg, but I realized I
didn't have any cupcake liners, so I set off to the thrift store, buying a cute vintage
letter file and a heart shaped corked glass bottle (to put paper stars in). After, I got a
cute blue ecobag that had a smiling sun on it. I used it to carry the groceries (I made
dinner tonight). I also got enough felt to make tons and tons of envelopes and
bunnies and lions with lollipops. Feltbunny will be happy to have new friends.
When the sun set, I headed off to barnes & nobles with luella, and got "No one belongs
here more than you" by Miranda July. I'm so excited to read it. I'm really spending
too much money, so I need to get a job soon! Sweet dreams.

indecisive decisions

The morning sun evaded me again. But despite my late awakening, I had a wonderful time because I went over to kg's to watch starwars episode five. We talked for hours. I missed his laugh, his smile, his hair. The way his hugs always seemed to cover my entire frail body, and his new cast with a poem on the bottom of his foot. It talked about his soon to come leg tan. And then we drank chocolate milk.

Our happiness together was short lived, as I left and joined the gang as we set off on a journey to trader joe's (joe giant toe). Strawberry, green tea, and chocolate mochi passed around our minivan. We laughed about courage the cowardly dog and lauren's favorite episode about the sad dr. zealoust. Kristen then wisked me away (kidnapped really), and we drove to bridgeport with our identical irish cream mocha coffees in our hand. I unloaded all of my burdens, and she hers. I haven't felt so relieved for a long time, I hadn't seen her for a long time.

I have so many bug bites all over my bare back and arms and shoulders (That is what I get for reading outside with the lamp). Tonight I am feeling sad. I am no longer a part of theirs. No its not their fault, its mine, isn't it? Just like you pointed out.

P.S. Feltbunny has been inside my bag this entire journey. I'm very sorry, he must feel neglected.