and when life flashes by, you remember the ones you love best

I know I haven't updated in a while. My first day on the east coast flew by faster than my plane ride (which seemed incredibly stretched out). Saturday was my first day going to a frat party(or three). The stars don't twinkle here like they do out by robinson's ranch. And I miss all of the laying out on the grass talking under the shade of trees. So much is going on everything seems to be in such a jumble! Today I went to Natick/Shopper's world which has just about every store in existence there. Sorry to say, I feel so guilty about spending so much money on "useless" clothes like a vest I probably won't be able to wear when winter comes. I want to return it now (I always second guess everything I buy), but I don't know how to get back and it would be dumb just to go back to return it (and spend money on the bus) for no reason at all. I eat so incredibly well here because the dining halls always have more than enough food. I've been getting rediculously full after each meal which means that my freshman fifteen is all the closer :( Still, we're required to take a physical education class here, and for some reason, my dorm is the FURTHEST away from everything on campus. So I tend to walk a lot of trails and stairs; its very beautiful, except at night when it does get a bit scary. I BOUGHT A PAIR OF AMAZING MOCCASINS FOR $18! Hahahha, yeah I just had to throw that out there. Classes start soon, and my stomach is turning, but maybe thats just because its 1 am and I'm hungry. I feel like I should be more careful with my money and not throw it around (I promise I'm looking for bargains when I shop though... like those moccasins, and the pair of jeans were $25 and SUPER cute). Hhahaha I think I'm trying to reassure myself in this post that I didn't spend all of this money in vain. Anyways, I still miss california and my dear friends back at home every moment. I always feel bad though because I'm busy with one event or another lecture or I have to go buy textbooks, but oh wait! I also have to check my mail and check my account and etc etc etc. I'm sorry everyone. Know that I do love you :] Even if I get back to you three days late.

Movies I watched: 27 dresses, pretty in pink, and monalisa smile

the last week in california

The past weeks have been quite wonderful (and sometimes complicated). Anyways, this week, I took care of sheena after hanging out with debs & euge at americana. Nights out with just-friends and sleeping at 3 am. Brunch with luella at mimi's and then shopping around at the new forever 21. I saw chase and emily at sushi (and brandon for only a minute), and I watched the rocker + clonewars with kg. (Teddy geiger is my loveeeee). We had so much fun; I missed him so much. I saw you again and I couldn't stop from holding on to tight, but maybe thats why you can't breathe any more.

Today was one of the best days of summer ever. I had brunch with christine in the valley; she gave me a hand sewn doll named ju-stink-oh (hahaha an inside joke from fifth grade). And then we hung out a bit at her house, catching up on the past year or so. The thing I love about our relationship is that no matter how much time passes by, we seem to pick up right where we leave off, like nothing has changed in the past year. Anyhow, I went to kristen's and we spontaneously decided to go to the farmer's market (cross that off my checklist at last). I bought my mom orchids and we drove back home to drop them off. Then we decided to go to olvera st, but when we hit traffic, we decided that melrose was the better decision since it was wayyy closer (and I was about to kill someone). We walked up and down the street and had the most wonderful time. We once again, spontaneously decided to go to universal city walk to eat at hard rock cafe. Our waiter was rediculously cute, and we spent a large amout of time in the candy shop. Getting lost on the way home (we made some weird circle), we had so much fun just hanging out. This was really a great day (now only if... but thats just wishful thinking).

I'm finally going to be leaving. I'm trying to cram in seeing everyone I possibly can in the next few days since I'm leaving in only three days. It almost seems sureal, like I'm not really leaving, but there are moments when it really hits me and I almost panic because I feel so unprepared (I was much more prepared the last time I went to boston). Wellesley here I come, whether I'm ready or not. (Oh I have such a strange feeling in my stomach).

you know that you need to stop

I feel so entirely pathetic, to let you get to me like that. All I can hope for is that my brain will disconnect from my heart, and my heart from my body. Days pass by so quickly, yet so slowly without seeing you here. (I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get attached, but how could you not?)

Wednesday the 30th: I went over to luella's to watch a series of unfortunate events. We went over to a. to carwash and spent hours scrubbing the hubcaps. Partying it up at night, I really made a big mistake. It was so much fun, though this week has been full of firsts. Everyone was super nice, and I had fun, but I almost started crying on the way home. Guilty conscience I suppose. (I really did feel bad getting caught).

Thursday the 31st: the girls + jusin went to the getty to picnic and look at pictures and photographs. There was this interesting photography gallery where it was the progression of humanity and how that progression is actually the destruction of humanity. It was some amazing stuff. Then we made masks; I was harry potter, luella was joker, lauren was darth, jusin was just a blank face. We had so much fun just wearing them around. I also forgot that I ate breakfast with luella (she makes a mean tuna melt!). I had to run errands, it was so rediculous.

Friday August 1st: I don't remember much except getting my hair cut and shopping for college stuff. It finally started to hit me that I'm leaving to the east coast; mom and I stood silently in contemplation (I almost started crying in the middle of target). Everything I bought was pink except the towels :) I'm so glad my roommate likes pink. I ate italian with my parents (first time I had dinner with them in a long time). They headed off to church; I headed home. I was feeling a bit lonesome; luella and lauren were going to oxnard and I felt almost lost. Instead, I watched Tristan + Isolde with v & j. It's such a lovely movie and it makes me feel so heartbroken (I'm going to name my son Tristan I swear).

i only pretend to make things simpler.

I haven't been able to get online for the past few days (I'm still waiting for my laptop to be repaired). Its strange; all of my friend's laptops are breaking. Maybe its fate. I really want to go to Love Festival (but I know somehow something is going to prevent me). Anyways, I've been extremely busy, and frankly, I'm dead tired; I just want a nice break from this crazy eventful week.

Thursday: I woke up in the afternoon; headed over to lauren's after baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We took pictures, tons and tons of pictures. They were so much fun, being able to take model pictures and just mess around with the shutterspeed and ISO,etc. There were so many cute pictures of lauren and elephants and luella and cookies and milk and so much more. We watched american beauty; it was so sad. I want a boy like Ricky (even though he is a drugdealer). I went home with such a weird feeling in my heart. Here's one of my favorite quotes said by Ricky: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Friday: Woke up to go to Universal with dean, sean, andrea, and her friend cosby. Honest, I tried my hardest to act normal and be happy, but it was so hard. There were so many things going on in my head and I just had the hardest time talking to anyone. I was just in my own world. We went to citywalk after and ate at bubba gumps (there was a really hott waiter that I missed and yelled when by fate or chance, he walked past when I looked the other way). We were people watching too on the bench outside. He said alines were his weakness; I don't know if I should get one now otherwise it might seem like I'm trying to get him. We came home late; I feigned sleepyness and just looked at the stars looking down on me. Theres and empty hole here; and its aching. So I watched Amelie again because it is so beautiful and it helps me feel better, but I fell asleep before I could finish.

Today, I'm heading over to philip and albert's. They were in my dream last night (a very strange long dream I had). It was like in that book where you're at a party, a surprise party with everyone in the whole world you know there. And they're all there for you; and they're all saying sorry for hurting you and congratulating you, and smiling at you. And he was there; and you were there, and jane was there, too. And I had lost, but it was alright; you said it was only a test, that life is better than that. That I really won by losing. And my grandpa was there too even though he died years ago. He gave me a teacup with a lid. And he spoke to me and taught me a song, but I couldn't catch the words fast enough. He was nothing like he was in real life; no more grumpy cross grandpa, just a loving, forgiving person. He always loved my brother best; and maybe thats why he was there.

i am for you - waking ashland

The past few days (and the next couple of days will be) have been packed with so many things (perhaps to make up for the summer weeks that have been spent doing nothing). There is so much on my summer todo list, yet I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of everything that I could do, so I'm going to carpe diem. I've been dreaming so much more, too, so I decided to start a dream journal with a pretty cream coloured journal with trees on it.

Tuesday: Luella and I went to the flea market (after a bit of searching for the exact location). We looked around and found numerous glasses, and odds and ends. Luella found a cute lighter that cost too much, and I found some old teapots for my mom's collection, but I couldn't remember how the rest of her's looked so I didn't buy them. Instead, I bought an old manual film camera with a flash included! I was very very excited. After, we went to the antique store and the thrift store, but we didn't get anything. After I got to lauren's house, I had to go back home to help daddy, but we got into this big old fight which made me feel so crummy in general. Anyhow, I went back and organized all my tabs with luella (we are such neat freaks), and dean asked me to go watch the dark knight with him. I went; it is AMAZING. Back at his house, he burned me a cd of his favorite songs and we talked the night away.

Wednesday: I woke up so restless, unprepared for a long day of rollercoasters and sore throats from screaming. X2, tatsu, water ride, deja vu, csi show, riddler's revenge<3, etc.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day, I can feel it in my bones.

Guess who.

Today I woke up after the sun was already in the sky, and I took forever to get ready. For some reason I dreaded being around others, but when I finally came, I felt much better. Lollicup again when anthony is working. Reading magazines, catching up on drawing. Lost words, like lost boys; Sleepy Hollow was fantastic, Johnny Depp is quite an actor (though no one could take him seriously, and we kept laughing at the man with fangs). Music through blue headphones, and I'm sorry to say that I pushed you away, I just wanted to be alone. Night walks in these boots, guitar playing with my fingers aching again. Maybe if we lived forever I could begin to form words to capture exactly what I feel, but I'm glad you did.

And here I am, sitting like a hopeless dreamer, wishing for apple pie and ice cream sundaes. Its already 3 am; where has all of the time gone? It slips away so quickly like a fast moving current or a getaway car (you see its already sunday, and it feels like monday only hours ago). I've been reading my little narnia quote book with little sayings like "When things go wring, you'll find they ususally go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better" which I find completely true.

I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart; i will break

Because I didn't update about yesterday's rendezvous (and my laptop is broken)...
Yesterday's recap: Chichi's with the gang (salad please, luella &everyone got pasta), endless guitar hero playing at lauren's house, a failed attempt at watching penelope, and the swan princess, stargazing, but there was a full moon so we could only see the big dipper.
Today: MOLESTA LA BRESTA x100, penelope at lauren's house, sightreading disney piano songs, the $1 bread bag at soupplantation, starbucks run, guitar hero rockband playing flyleaf :), frenchtoast with honey baked by claire lee, farmer's market lauren got grounded, and 25 cent bowling night, jumping on anthony when he arrives (buttcheek?!),

All in all, I'm feeling a bit high and dry. I wish I had a timeturner that would go back to when we first began and when things were so much more.

If you could have any thing, what would it be?

The power to express myself without any barriers.
I wish I were terribly creative or clever or witty, that I could talk like Elizabeth Bennet or take photographs like Samantha. I wish I had so much more to offer, that my eyes would see beauty in the simple things of life, " to look for things no one else catches."

Kg came over my house and we watched starwars episode six. It was spectacular; Darth is my favorite. We then headed over to lauren's to bake a&v cupcakes (pokemon cupcakes). We ended up watching Amelie, such a beautiful movie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've been playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete from Amelie on repeat and closing my eyes in the dark. I can hear the train whistle through the night (I always try to pass under the bridge when it is going across). I feel so restless, so I've been arranging things in my room, sorting things into piles of things that I will keep here and things I will take with me to Wellesley. Daddy came home from his trip today; it feels like when I was young and he would go off to trips for days on end. He brought me gifts, but I'm a bit sad because he won't allow me to go to abts.

I want to scream "I want to be alive too." Its so hard being left behind.

I cant sleep cause it hurts when I think

I slept when the sun came up because I was reading all the new books (and the ones dean lent me). I woke up late after everyone already went to the beach. I have this weird feeling in my tummy, like its an empty black hole. Everything's lined up neatly in a row; I've put Jack Johnson on repeat. Now I wish I could rearrange my molecules into his voice and travel through the airwaves. It hurts so much more now than it did before. The only refuge I can find is the ones you disagree with.

edit:
So this entire day has been a jumble, ups and downs. I went over to eileen's to watch pan's labyrinth; it was such a sad movie. After a mountain of sweets & goldfish, I headed home, but through sheer inspiration, I hopped off at RR. I walked through the entire golf course for an hour, gazing at the beauty. I had never felt so serene and one with nature, with the sky and the leaves, the wind blowing a cool breeze on my face. I came home, a bit distraught after a woman yelled at me and said I was going to get hit in the head with a golfball. When I got home, I was shocked at all of the drama that had been going on. I really just didn't want any drama, especially getting involved in things I don't care about. (Everyone's real mature, aren't we?) Anyways, to ease how upset I was over this entire (d/a) situation, I got malted milkshakes with kristen. And got more mad at certain people in the process. Ah well, I hope this all blows over.

indecisive decisions

The morning sun evaded me again. But despite my late awakening, I had a wonderful time because I went over to kg's to watch starwars episode five. We talked for hours. I missed his laugh, his smile, his hair. The way his hugs always seemed to cover my entire frail body, and his new cast with a poem on the bottom of his foot. It talked about his soon to come leg tan. And then we drank chocolate milk.

Our happiness together was short lived, as I left and joined the gang as we set off on a journey to trader joe's (joe giant toe). Strawberry, green tea, and chocolate mochi passed around our minivan. We laughed about courage the cowardly dog and lauren's favorite episode about the sad dr. zealoust. Kristen then wisked me away (kidnapped really), and we drove to bridgeport with our identical irish cream mocha coffees in our hand. I unloaded all of my burdens, and she hers. I haven't felt so relieved for a long time, I hadn't seen her for a long time.

I have so many bug bites all over my bare back and arms and shoulders (That is what I get for reading outside with the lamp). Tonight I am feeling sad. I am no longer a part of theirs. No its not their fault, its mine, isn't it? Just like you pointed out.

P.S. Feltbunny has been inside my bag this entire journey. I'm very sorry, he must feel neglected.

"Why do I fall in love with every man I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

you've got a robot heart.

Today was made of two parts: the first was wonderful. Lunch with an old friend, and ice cream too. Then WALL E; and my heart skipped a beat when you held my hand. Its so pathetic how easily I fall for little tricks and sweet words. You're a smooth operator.
Part II: My heart is heavy, and its too hard to lift my eyes. The shame burns through like you have laserbeam eyes. You see right through me, but my stubborn eyes refuse to see. I fucked up, and there's nothing worse than the weight of your disappointment. I let myself go, and I let the drinks pour. I swear I'm not living unless I'm with you (but I swear I won't have this any more).

fleamarkets & pour the drinks

yesterday: trip to the flea market without the flea market existing. ending up going to mountasia for fun with lauren's lost coin bag. battle royale and long bunnies. sitting on the sidewalk with foldout chairs and longboards rolling around. movies of jackie chan and jet li. songs that fill my memory and dreams.

today: lunch with dean, and icecream (phish food). walking around the mall, endless talks. looking for clothes, but ending up buying books. music in the car. sad phonecalls. kickback at twigs and bp. she came and wouldn't stop staring at me. all i wanted to do was melt away. he came. we talked alot more than ususal. i drove.