Do you ever wonder what it's like to be blind?

I dreamed that I was with peter pan, and he took my hand as we flew up. Only, we were on a narrow stage and I had ropes and pullies to make me fly. And I woke up sad that I couldn't believe. I made a mixtape for when I feel like the day has gone all wrong and i want you to be here and kiss me gently on my forehead and say everything will be okay. Two weeks till I dream of California's soft waves and breathe in the warm air. Two weeks till in-and-out, and late night coffee runs, and hugs that last for infinity. But know this: no matter where I go, my heart will stay with you.

"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them."
-ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY, from The Little Prince

the gift bag lay open

I had the strangest dream last night.
I makes me sad thinking that I still have dreams about him when I was over it a year and a half ago, but it wasn't like I was happy to see him in my dream. I can only recall emotions and a few scenes, the vast empty feeling I got when I saw you there, the bitter tears I cried, screaming at him as I tried to enter the back seat of a car. I swear we were supposed to be in a Versailles castle, but the outside was just plain parking lot. He only stood and taunted me, over and over and over again. His face, grotesque, just the sight of it makes my heart grow stone cold. Why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Why do you haunt me so? Maybe perhaps you're a symbol of my identity, the one that doesn't accept who I am; maybe I'm just scared to face it.

I don't know. I've been having fairly sad and upsetting dreams lately (like the past week or so). I don't understand what it means, nor do I know if it has any significance.

24 hours.

I spent all day yesterday with him. I woke up pretty late because rhea crashed in our room (her roomie's bf was over), and I slept on the floor. I got on the 11 bus and for a minute, I thought I was on the wrong bus! I saw nick as I got off the bus. He makes me smile unconsiously. We headed over to Beacon St. where we looked at a buncha random stores (especially candy stores). We headed over to the aquarium where I had discounts ($8 compared to $20 woot woot:). We had so much fun, though I sincerely regreted not bringing my camera. We saw so many amazing things like fish that were bigger than me, sea turtles that I could ride on and rainforest frogs from my dream. After, we walked around where there were a bunch of stores and this comic book store where there were tons of cute things like gloomy bear. I bought a mug for kristen and nick bought a ridiculously good orange coconut smoothie. We saw street performers: a hot singer named brian bergeron as well as three british acrobats that were extremely funny. I had fun and we went back to his frat. On the t, we stood together and I held him so close, and my heart, it hurt so badly. We went to a preparty before PBE, and we met up with rhea and anne, alex and jean-paul. I wanted to take a third, but he was worried about me (I wanted to because I was pretty mad at him). We had so much fun at PBE, and I saw jennifer. We went back to nick's frat where there was nothing left except hookah. I was freaking out about rhea because she wasn't feeling good, so I didn't really do much except run around making sure she was okay. I fell asleep in his arms. I had the saddest dream that I can't remember.


Once nick told me when two people's hearts are next to each other, they beat together. My heart felt like that, in sync with his. It felt like his heart, not mine.

I can't feel me anymore.

Endless Cycles of REM

I had the strangest dream last night; it was a reoccurring dream that played over and over like a movie (and in fact, in the end, it was a movie). I was running away from this man and these children, going through miniature villages and hiding through pipelines and basements. When I finally reached the double doors, I had to open one quickly and throw candy because they were behind it, then run into another room and jump into the pool and hide in the water where this woman covered for me. I would then jump out a window onto the ledge and traverse the outside of the building, and the dream started over again. In the last run, I knew it was different, that this time, I wasn't going to escape, that I wouldn't be able to hide. I opened the double doors, but too slowly, so they came at me, and I couldn't pour the candy out on time. They clung to me like leeches, sucking life out of me, draging me down. I pulled myself to the pool, flinging them off me, ripping them off. The woman told me to jump, and I knew what she meant. I knew the only way I wouldn't be captured was to jump to my death, so I did. And the glass slowed down when I shattered it, and below me was the narrow window on the ceilings of museums. I fell through it perfectly, and as I landed hundreds of feet below me in a dark museum, everything slowed down to nanoseconds. I watched my body hit the ground and slowly crumple, the glass shattering in every direction, but moving so slowly that they looked like particles floating in the air. I died.

And yet, I lived. The others jumped after me, freeing themselves; their bodies landing next to mine. And it was, in a way, beautiful; these bodies crashing to the ground. And then I walked out of the movie theater next to a girl I didn't know. It was brilliant, I said. But I was me, but I wasn't dead. It was such a strange feeling.

deep dream

Lately, I've been reading harry potter before I go to sleep; for some reason, I can't ever remember the 7th book. I once read a fanfiction version, so I keep confusing the two. It makes me smile every time that I think of Dumbledore Snape Potter. Each summer, I reread all of the harry potter books, but for some reason, this summer, I started from book 5 and since I've been so busy, I've only begun the last book.

And I also keep having strange dreams and ending up forgetting most of it before I'm fully awake. Last night's dream consisted of another world that was paradise beach and there was a shower head that sprayed water and to get to the other world, you had to go through the water or through a glass wall. This was inside of a tall hotel building that a girl, a guy, and I stayed in. I can't remember who they are.

coffee breaths

And I'm not hallucinating. My brain is such a wreck right now, but I know I'm right about this because everyone else sees it too. I feel like a starfish, slowly attaching myself to things that will disappear; and yet, I'm not the starfish because I am also the one slowly disappearing. If I could only understand what's around me, like extending my thoughts, projecting them through space and time.

Monday, I rolled out of bed and waited for the phone to ring. I went to venice beach with the gang; my dslr died, so I took pictures with my manual film camera that I bought from the flea market. We roamed the streets and looked at the weird buddha statue. Then we ate sandwiches that j. had made (he is a very good cook, I must say). We went to the rocks in the sand and did yoga stances and chased the seagulls and pretended we had only one toe (lauren). Everyone was like a banded discord; I wrote your name in the sand. I kept talking because I only wanted you to notice, but I'm beginning to realize its to late and all we can do is reminisce of better times. We stargazed.

Today, an earthquake woke me up. Consequently, I forgot my fantastic dream (I know it was good because I was sad that I woke up). It wasn't like the past dreams where its a chase or something restless; it was an adventure, but not one that wears you out. I went over to luella's and she uploaded the pictures from our photoshoot a couple days ago. We were supposed to watch gilmore girls, but I'm sure we'll get around to that soon (I'm a bit excited since my roommate loves that show). I went back home to buy groceries and eat raspberries and make chocolate cream pie (cross that off the checklist). I went back to lauren's, but d. called and we were going to leave. After much confusion, d & I ended up getting starbucks then watching this little city twinkle from the park on the hill. I don't know how to feel; I dont know how to think. What is living without regrets? I don't know any more.

i only pretend to make things simpler.

I haven't been able to get online for the past few days (I'm still waiting for my laptop to be repaired). Its strange; all of my friend's laptops are breaking. Maybe its fate. I really want to go to Love Festival (but I know somehow something is going to prevent me). Anyways, I've been extremely busy, and frankly, I'm dead tired; I just want a nice break from this crazy eventful week.

Thursday: I woke up in the afternoon; headed over to lauren's after baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We took pictures, tons and tons of pictures. They were so much fun, being able to take model pictures and just mess around with the shutterspeed and ISO,etc. There were so many cute pictures of lauren and elephants and luella and cookies and milk and so much more. We watched american beauty; it was so sad. I want a boy like Ricky (even though he is a drugdealer). I went home with such a weird feeling in my heart. Here's one of my favorite quotes said by Ricky: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Friday: Woke up to go to Universal with dean, sean, andrea, and her friend cosby. Honest, I tried my hardest to act normal and be happy, but it was so hard. There were so many things going on in my head and I just had the hardest time talking to anyone. I was just in my own world. We went to citywalk after and ate at bubba gumps (there was a really hott waiter that I missed and yelled when by fate or chance, he walked past when I looked the other way). We were people watching too on the bench outside. He said alines were his weakness; I don't know if I should get one now otherwise it might seem like I'm trying to get him. We came home late; I feigned sleepyness and just looked at the stars looking down on me. Theres and empty hole here; and its aching. So I watched Amelie again because it is so beautiful and it helps me feel better, but I fell asleep before I could finish.

Today, I'm heading over to philip and albert's. They were in my dream last night (a very strange long dream I had). It was like in that book where you're at a party, a surprise party with everyone in the whole world you know there. And they're all there for you; and they're all saying sorry for hurting you and congratulating you, and smiling at you. And he was there; and you were there, and jane was there, too. And I had lost, but it was alright; you said it was only a test, that life is better than that. That I really won by losing. And my grandpa was there too even though he died years ago. He gave me a teacup with a lid. And he spoke to me and taught me a song, but I couldn't catch the words fast enough. He was nothing like he was in real life; no more grumpy cross grandpa, just a loving, forgiving person. He always loved my brother best; and maybe thats why he was there.

i wish we had an urbanoutfitters

Today was quite a busy day, and also, I am using older pictures since I cannot upload the ones I've taken recently. Today, I had astro obbins with lucy (she treated me because I won a bet we made). I took almost three hours to get ready. We didn't even eat inside br; instead, we went to a nearby parkbench and talked and ate. Then we raced in our cars (vroom vroom) to goodwill where I found a pair of boots that were really warm for when I go to boston and it snows. On the way there, I saw justin's car with his little weener antenna thing, so I called him and we met up at the mall. I drifted around with him and went shopping myself (some jewelry and a vest). I then bought a journal for my dreams and the interpretations of my dreams (my own interpretations with the assistance of other dream guides like freud though I still need to get his book). And on my way home, kristen called me and wanted to go for a coffee. I got to its a grind early and bought a 50/50 (orange juice and white chocolate... its alot more delicious than it sounds), but we ended up going to bj's with a couple of her friends to eat pzookies. All in all, I had a very eventful day though I did miss my gang (and I tried to hang out with them after, but my dad wanted me home... he still doesn't trust me I don't think). I really had fun today, and it was nice seeing all of my friends (all in one day!). Goodnight, I am going to read the amber spyglass tonight, but not too late because I have to get up early.