Reasons for my beating heart

Sometimes, it feels like everything is so hard to deal with. Like the simplest tasks take an enormous amount of effort, and little things make you feel like crying. Then I try to remind myself that everything will be alright.

“When things go wrong, you’ll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start to go right they often go on getting better and better."
C.S. Lewis, The Magician’s Nephew

Embers and ashes

My heart pounds with fear. He is lying asleep next to me, I look over and smile, but the aching in my chest does not disappear. Because though half of my heart lies in the arms of someone fast asleep, the other half is still in California. Only two miles, only two miles of forest between the fires and I. Malicious creatures, its thirst is never sated. Its hunger is beastial, savage, and so feirce like a lion ripping entrails pouring hot blood just pumped by your heart only seconds ago. Oh how I wish I could bend space-time to go back for just one second. And danny, he must be exhausted, fighting, fighting, fighting. Fighting endlessly with a raging force of nature.

I cannot go back to sleep.

The dream of perpetual motion.

I've been having strange sleeping cycles. I'll nap after dinner and wake up at strange hours of the witching hour, then stay up until the sun comes up, then fall back into exhaustion again, only to wake up to cloudy skies. I am so much, yet I am still nothing at all. Emotions seem to get the best of me when I wish they wouldn't. Raging from anger to pain to content. My heart is sick of going through this. And the fires back home are blazing, like passion consuming my heart, making me feel as if I have a fever blazing through my body.

I hope everyone back home is safe.
My heart is with you always.


You have bewitched me, body and soul.

Do you ever wonder what it's like to be blind?

I dreamed that I was with peter pan, and he took my hand as we flew up. Only, we were on a narrow stage and I had ropes and pullies to make me fly. And I woke up sad that I couldn't believe. I made a mixtape for when I feel like the day has gone all wrong and i want you to be here and kiss me gently on my forehead and say everything will be okay. Two weeks till I dream of California's soft waves and breathe in the warm air. Two weeks till in-and-out, and late night coffee runs, and hugs that last for infinity. But know this: no matter where I go, my heart will stay with you.

"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them."
-ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY, from The Little Prince

And everyone is such a let down.

I skipped my class and rode my bike to the town library.
And then I borrowed Dreamland and Lirael.
I stopped by starbucks on the way back, placing it in my basket.
It spilled a little, but I asked them to put it in a bigger cup.
They have holiday cups now, the red ones with snowflakes on them,
and peppermint mocha and gingerbread flavors.
It reminds me of justin, and all of those december days.
And it reminded me of home,
and it reminded me of the bear hugs you gave,
and it reminded me of summer nights at the golf course
gazing out to see the infinite stars, coldly stare back at us.
And he had called, but I missed it.
Then when I began to read, I was she.
And now I have this emptiness in my heart.
I just want to read robert frost and drink tea.
Or be lulled into dreamland.

when I open my eyes, you are what I wanted to see.

Sometimes, you feel like you can put the world in your pocket, and everything that matters melts like snow when his arms wrap around you. And then you play that one song over and over again, putting you in a state of daydreaming. You wait until 3 am waiting for his phone call, and also, you tie your straw wrapper into a knot to see if he's thinking about you, too. When he told you that you are one of the good things in his life, you looked down at the sidewalk as you tried to hide how big your smile was. Things are different now; you can't help but to notice the way he holds you is deeper, its not like what it was at first and you can't explain it really. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I'm so scared because I don't think I could let go even if I tried.

"Because I choose to be happy, no one can make me unhappy."
(I'm trying to believe it.)

"It isn't that they can't see the solution. Its that they can't see the problem." - G.K. Chesterton

Call Ended
2:49 am, Oct 15, 08
50min 27secs

And after I hung up the phone, I had this sense of wholeness. Like we had formed another connection, that our bond was stronger. I believe there is a thread that connects you to every person you meet. And the more you begin to understand, the more you learn to love and care for someone, the Fates weave you together to form a story, a tapestry of your life. Though we talked about silly things like being shallow or jujitsu, my halloween outfit and french homework. There was so much more behind what was unsaid and even between whispers, our heart beat. And it scares me a little because when you're that close to someone, its gives them a chance to see who you really are. And forming words becomes incoherent because all of these thoughts bouncing around your head.

Its in moments like these that I begin to love you. That I forgive you for everything else and it all seems to melt away. I can't even remember why I was so upset, that I had even dreamed of pushing myself away. All I know is what I love about you.

speed of infinite

And all i want to do is crawl back into bed and let time reverse. Back to yesterday, when you fell asleep on my shoulder, listening to music that makes me sigh. Back to nights before, when you held me on the subway, and it felt like infinity. Every time I just want you to hold me, it feels like you just want something more. My heart aches at thinking perhaps I'm not what you really wanted. But I keep my mouth shut. I want to go to barnes and nobles so that I can read and forget everything else in the world. Or watch movies, movies I love.

Yesterday, I was so vulnerable. Making you jealous isn't my intention, but maybe its the only way for me to see if you care.

And I'm so scared of telling you exactly how I feel, because then maybe you'll feel smothered. And then you'll think I'm too clingy. So I hold it all in (for every 'I miss you' I don't say, I take deep breaths). I just wish it weren't so embarassingly apparent.

24 hours.

I spent all day yesterday with him. I woke up pretty late because rhea crashed in our room (her roomie's bf was over), and I slept on the floor. I got on the 11 bus and for a minute, I thought I was on the wrong bus! I saw nick as I got off the bus. He makes me smile unconsiously. We headed over to Beacon St. where we looked at a buncha random stores (especially candy stores). We headed over to the aquarium where I had discounts ($8 compared to $20 woot woot:). We had so much fun, though I sincerely regreted not bringing my camera. We saw so many amazing things like fish that were bigger than me, sea turtles that I could ride on and rainforest frogs from my dream. After, we walked around where there were a bunch of stores and this comic book store where there were tons of cute things like gloomy bear. I bought a mug for kristen and nick bought a ridiculously good orange coconut smoothie. We saw street performers: a hot singer named brian bergeron as well as three british acrobats that were extremely funny. I had fun and we went back to his frat. On the t, we stood together and I held him so close, and my heart, it hurt so badly. We went to a preparty before PBE, and we met up with rhea and anne, alex and jean-paul. I wanted to take a third, but he was worried about me (I wanted to because I was pretty mad at him). We had so much fun at PBE, and I saw jennifer. We went back to nick's frat where there was nothing left except hookah. I was freaking out about rhea because she wasn't feeling good, so I didn't really do much except run around making sure she was okay. I fell asleep in his arms. I had the saddest dream that I can't remember.


Once nick told me when two people's hearts are next to each other, they beat together. My heart felt like that, in sync with his. It felt like his heart, not mine.

I can't feel me anymore.

my drug

"Don't need no drugs, you're my chemical
Now I'm dependent, swear I'm clinical
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight
I need a fix in those heroin eyes."

mondays are the dregs of life.

These are pictures from the toga party I went to on Saturday. It was raining, and I was wearing flipflops, but other than that, it was a blast. So, here is how my miserable monday went:

7:00 am Climb out of bed, disoriented with only 4 hours of sleep.
8:00 am Show up to Campus Po to go to a volunteer event, but no one shows up.
8:20 am Eat Breakfast. Go back to my dorm room. Climb into bed.
11:00 am Wake up, finish psychology reading, then head over to class.
4:00 pm Finally finish french where I was so out of it. Do nothing
5:00 pm Dinner at the Wang, go check mail which contained a postcard.
6:00 pm Yoga class, a bit strenuous, but the last 10 minutes were heaven.
7:44 pm Write this. Waste time and procrastinate doing a shitload of homework.

Yeah, so it turns out the girl that was driving me to my volunteer thing never showed and without any notice. So pretty much, I woke up earlier than I have in more than 4 months or so and ended up not even being able to go to the school to tutor little kindergarteners. I'm so angry. I hate the world right now (sleep deprived).

That's the dark side. The light side is, I reallly can't wait for friday (I'm going to the aquarium with nick :), and I'll also be wearing my new outfit which is the cutest thing ever. The weather matches my mood. Bah.

We are official :]

Museum of Fine Arts, only till midnight

Last night, I caught the 6 bus to Comm Ave. He met me at the stop; it was much warmer than I expected, but still cold enough to wear a jacket. We walked past the brick buildings. We ate cookies. On our way out, I almost forgot my purse on his couch, then we hopped on the T. It felt like no one had ever existed till now, and every person on the planet stood by us, holding onto railings so they wouldn't fall. We got lost; I laughed hard at him, he stopped my laugh with a kiss. We entered the museum, hand in hand. Barely containing myself, I pulled him to Karsh's photo exhibit. Faces, faces, faces, and their expressions. Gazing so deeply into their eyes, windows to the soul; their frowns, and wrinkles. Einstein is a genius, Karsh is an artist. And me, I am a fool. (Then the rest was something I wish I could forget.)

can work and play really balance?

drowning drowning drowning.
everything just rushes past while
you work your way, trying to
keep yourself from drowning in it
and when you feel like you're done,
no. it all catches up with you.
and then you're drowning once again.
every moment you put off,
you've just made ten times the load
for yourself. every time you breathe,
no, there's no time to breathe,
to eat, to sleep, to live, to laugh.
except only when i'm with you.
That's the only time that everything
seems to stop catching up with
me and then it all freezes.
then you leave the picture.
and it's this vicious cycle again.

i only saw you yesterday.

c: "come to wellesley."
n: "lol seriously? you going to make it worth it?"
c:" i'm always worth it hahahha ;]"
n: "alright ;] i'll get on the 10 bus"

this makes me laugh really really hard.

pda.

Seriously one of the best nights of my entire life!!!!!

Even though I'm sick, I went out with nick and his friends tonight on a double date. I missed the first bus (whops), but that's okay. He made the reservation at 8 because somehow, instinctively he knew I was one of those "always late" girls. We ate at a small mexican restaurant with authentic food and a homey feel and terrible service. Then we wandered looking for the movie theaters, taking the T for the first time in my life. We decided to watch vicky christina barcelona. It was such a strange movie, and there were strange events that occured in the theater (like slurpies being tossed in the air). Afterwards, nick and I split up from his friends and we went back to the frathouse via the T. Rhea and jen didn't have a good time, so they left, but nick and I went up to the rooftop where we began pda (hahaha). It would have been totally romantic except 1. it was freezing, 2. there were people around and 3, there were no stars out. It was still very nice. We talked some more, and eventually had to run back with annie and rinaldo to the bus stop. Nick was so sweet and affectionate (PDAAAAAA). It was actually quite rediculous. We ran into lisa and she kept saying how cute we were.