the last week in california

The past weeks have been quite wonderful (and sometimes complicated). Anyways, this week, I took care of sheena after hanging out with debs & euge at americana. Nights out with just-friends and sleeping at 3 am. Brunch with luella at mimi's and then shopping around at the new forever 21. I saw chase and emily at sushi (and brandon for only a minute), and I watched the rocker + clonewars with kg. (Teddy geiger is my loveeeee). We had so much fun; I missed him so much. I saw you again and I couldn't stop from holding on to tight, but maybe thats why you can't breathe any more.

Today was one of the best days of summer ever. I had brunch with christine in the valley; she gave me a hand sewn doll named ju-stink-oh (hahaha an inside joke from fifth grade). And then we hung out a bit at her house, catching up on the past year or so. The thing I love about our relationship is that no matter how much time passes by, we seem to pick up right where we leave off, like nothing has changed in the past year. Anyhow, I went to kristen's and we spontaneously decided to go to the farmer's market (cross that off my checklist at last). I bought my mom orchids and we drove back home to drop them off. Then we decided to go to olvera st, but when we hit traffic, we decided that melrose was the better decision since it was wayyy closer (and I was about to kill someone). We walked up and down the street and had the most wonderful time. We once again, spontaneously decided to go to universal city walk to eat at hard rock cafe. Our waiter was rediculously cute, and we spent a large amout of time in the candy shop. Getting lost on the way home (we made some weird circle), we had so much fun just hanging out. This was really a great day (now only if... but thats just wishful thinking).

I'm finally going to be leaving. I'm trying to cram in seeing everyone I possibly can in the next few days since I'm leaving in only three days. It almost seems sureal, like I'm not really leaving, but there are moments when it really hits me and I almost panic because I feel so unprepared (I was much more prepared the last time I went to boston). Wellesley here I come, whether I'm ready or not. (Oh I have such a strange feeling in my stomach).

Is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?

Each day passes by like water through your cupped fingers, slipping faster than you could ever imagine. Time is money (so strange how true that is). I have so many gaps in my memory, I think I'm going to need help filling them in.

Saturday August 2nd: I went to Venice again, but this time with my family. I don't know why today wasn't a good day; I don't really get along with them. We stopped by my cousin's frozen yogurt shop and ate dinner at a brazilian cafe. It was so unfair because everyone else drank delicious drinks without me. I barely even ate (maybe that was a way of rebelling). I just stayed up all night watching gilmore girls to make me feel better.

Sunday, August 3rd: Church. Big whop. Traffic was horrendous. I went over to luella's after a long wasted day, and we sat on a blanket outside to watch stars and talk. It was so peaceful and beautiful, it was almost like out of a movie scene.

Monday, August 4th: I chilled with the gang later at night after I realized most of my day was wasted waiting for my mom. We were supposed to make a music video. At night, I had to leave to chill with others (I really felt so horrible leaving, but I don't think I was dressed for the music video occasion). Kristen & I talked a lot and some rent-a-cops beamed lights at us to make sure we weren't doing anything illegal. A. was being mean.

Tuesday, August 5th: I went to LA with my parents, going shopping mostly in the fashion district. We went to the american apparel factory to buy some nice socks (there was this killer skirt, buy I couldn't find it in my size). After, we went to eat Red Mango and lauren and I danced in front of walgreens to her macbook while a edited the video they had made.

Wednesday, August 6th: a few gilmore girl's episodes + traffic ticket.

Thursday, August 7th: Today was so pointless at first. I had to take colin to registration, but he forgot his forms, so going back home, we ran into a delivery guy. I had to sign for it, but one of the palates broke, so I helped move boxes. After, we rushed back to canyon (there was a rediculous amount of traffic, construction, and red lights). We were too late. What a waste of time and gas. I got to see amylo though and I gave her her birthday present. We sat at her house talking for a while. After, I was going to hang out with d., but what a big surprise; he couldn't. Anyhow, I was able to go with luella & the gang to roland heights because they took two cars. We went to Diamond Plaza and took pictures at Cue! We saw so many cute stickers and stationary, and we got a "free" 6 oz. but what we didn't know was we had to pay for the rest of the weight. We played the shake it mario party game and I exercised because I felt really disgusting. We sang songs on the way home. Today ended pretty great, plus I got "Hero With A Thousand Faces" in the mail today, finally.

you know that you need to stop

I feel so entirely pathetic, to let you get to me like that. All I can hope for is that my brain will disconnect from my heart, and my heart from my body. Days pass by so quickly, yet so slowly without seeing you here. (I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get attached, but how could you not?)

Wednesday the 30th: I went over to luella's to watch a series of unfortunate events. We went over to a. to carwash and spent hours scrubbing the hubcaps. Partying it up at night, I really made a big mistake. It was so much fun, though this week has been full of firsts. Everyone was super nice, and I had fun, but I almost started crying on the way home. Guilty conscience I suppose. (I really did feel bad getting caught).

Thursday the 31st: the girls + jusin went to the getty to picnic and look at pictures and photographs. There was this interesting photography gallery where it was the progression of humanity and how that progression is actually the destruction of humanity. It was some amazing stuff. Then we made masks; I was harry potter, luella was joker, lauren was darth, jusin was just a blank face. We had so much fun just wearing them around. I also forgot that I ate breakfast with luella (she makes a mean tuna melt!). I had to run errands, it was so rediculous.

Friday August 1st: I don't remember much except getting my hair cut and shopping for college stuff. It finally started to hit me that I'm leaving to the east coast; mom and I stood silently in contemplation (I almost started crying in the middle of target). Everything I bought was pink except the towels :) I'm so glad my roommate likes pink. I ate italian with my parents (first time I had dinner with them in a long time). They headed off to church; I headed home. I was feeling a bit lonesome; luella and lauren were going to oxnard and I felt almost lost. Instead, I watched Tristan + Isolde with v & j. It's such a lovely movie and it makes me feel so heartbroken (I'm going to name my son Tristan I swear).

coffee breaths

And I'm not hallucinating. My brain is such a wreck right now, but I know I'm right about this because everyone else sees it too. I feel like a starfish, slowly attaching myself to things that will disappear; and yet, I'm not the starfish because I am also the one slowly disappearing. If I could only understand what's around me, like extending my thoughts, projecting them through space and time.

Monday, I rolled out of bed and waited for the phone to ring. I went to venice beach with the gang; my dslr died, so I took pictures with my manual film camera that I bought from the flea market. We roamed the streets and looked at the weird buddha statue. Then we ate sandwiches that j. had made (he is a very good cook, I must say). We went to the rocks in the sand and did yoga stances and chased the seagulls and pretended we had only one toe (lauren). Everyone was like a banded discord; I wrote your name in the sand. I kept talking because I only wanted you to notice, but I'm beginning to realize its to late and all we can do is reminisce of better times. We stargazed.

Today, an earthquake woke me up. Consequently, I forgot my fantastic dream (I know it was good because I was sad that I woke up). It wasn't like the past dreams where its a chase or something restless; it was an adventure, but not one that wears you out. I went over to luella's and she uploaded the pictures from our photoshoot a couple days ago. We were supposed to watch gilmore girls, but I'm sure we'll get around to that soon (I'm a bit excited since my roommate loves that show). I went back home to buy groceries and eat raspberries and make chocolate cream pie (cross that off the checklist). I went back to lauren's, but d. called and we were going to leave. After much confusion, d & I ended up getting starbucks then watching this little city twinkle from the park on the hill. I don't know how to feel; I dont know how to think. What is living without regrets? I don't know any more.

i only pretend to make things simpler.

I haven't been able to get online for the past few days (I'm still waiting for my laptop to be repaired). Its strange; all of my friend's laptops are breaking. Maybe its fate. I really want to go to Love Festival (but I know somehow something is going to prevent me). Anyways, I've been extremely busy, and frankly, I'm dead tired; I just want a nice break from this crazy eventful week.

Thursday: I woke up in the afternoon; headed over to lauren's after baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies. We took pictures, tons and tons of pictures. They were so much fun, being able to take model pictures and just mess around with the shutterspeed and ISO,etc. There were so many cute pictures of lauren and elephants and luella and cookies and milk and so much more. We watched american beauty; it was so sad. I want a boy like Ricky (even though he is a drugdealer). I went home with such a weird feeling in my heart. Here's one of my favorite quotes said by Ricky: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Friday: Woke up to go to Universal with dean, sean, andrea, and her friend cosby. Honest, I tried my hardest to act normal and be happy, but it was so hard. There were so many things going on in my head and I just had the hardest time talking to anyone. I was just in my own world. We went to citywalk after and ate at bubba gumps (there was a really hott waiter that I missed and yelled when by fate or chance, he walked past when I looked the other way). We were people watching too on the bench outside. He said alines were his weakness; I don't know if I should get one now otherwise it might seem like I'm trying to get him. We came home late; I feigned sleepyness and just looked at the stars looking down on me. Theres and empty hole here; and its aching. So I watched Amelie again because it is so beautiful and it helps me feel better, but I fell asleep before I could finish.

Today, I'm heading over to philip and albert's. They were in my dream last night (a very strange long dream I had). It was like in that book where you're at a party, a surprise party with everyone in the whole world you know there. And they're all there for you; and they're all saying sorry for hurting you and congratulating you, and smiling at you. And he was there; and you were there, and jane was there, too. And I had lost, but it was alright; you said it was only a test, that life is better than that. That I really won by losing. And my grandpa was there too even though he died years ago. He gave me a teacup with a lid. And he spoke to me and taught me a song, but I couldn't catch the words fast enough. He was nothing like he was in real life; no more grumpy cross grandpa, just a loving, forgiving person. He always loved my brother best; and maybe thats why he was there.

i am for you - waking ashland

The past few days (and the next couple of days will be) have been packed with so many things (perhaps to make up for the summer weeks that have been spent doing nothing). There is so much on my summer todo list, yet I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of everything that I could do, so I'm going to carpe diem. I've been dreaming so much more, too, so I decided to start a dream journal with a pretty cream coloured journal with trees on it.

Tuesday: Luella and I went to the flea market (after a bit of searching for the exact location). We looked around and found numerous glasses, and odds and ends. Luella found a cute lighter that cost too much, and I found some old teapots for my mom's collection, but I couldn't remember how the rest of her's looked so I didn't buy them. Instead, I bought an old manual film camera with a flash included! I was very very excited. After, we went to the antique store and the thrift store, but we didn't get anything. After I got to lauren's house, I had to go back home to help daddy, but we got into this big old fight which made me feel so crummy in general. Anyhow, I went back and organized all my tabs with luella (we are such neat freaks), and dean asked me to go watch the dark knight with him. I went; it is AMAZING. Back at his house, he burned me a cd of his favorite songs and we talked the night away.

Wednesday: I woke up so restless, unprepared for a long day of rollercoasters and sore throats from screaming. X2, tatsu, water ride, deja vu, csi show, riddler's revenge<3, etc.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day, I can feel it in my bones.

I am slipping through,

I got lost today (literally). After brunch with my parents in our breakfast nook, I fell back asleep because I stayed up all night reading The Subtle Knife and listening to slow tunes. I went to church late; they were happy to see me (its been a month since I've gone). Pb & Audrey took me to cpk and to borders to get two journals (one red lined and a plain black moleskine). Fil was there, and sometimes when you see him suddenly, your feel a bit stunned and your heart pounds violently like its trying to rip out of your chest (he is really gorgeous). Then I got all confuzled and went home the wrong way. I'm at luella's now and anthony & jusin are over. They are cutting out pictures from magazines; I shall join them soon. I miss nic so much, I hope that I see him before I leave across the country (only 5 more weeks). Time goes by so fast; I'm really scared on the inside even though I've said I want to leave so badly. I'm just really scared of change and of the unknown, and of missing everything at home. I'm running out of time and of excuses.

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

X marks the spot. Sometimes I get this feeling like we are all in a slowmotion cycle that repeats itself over and over again. The same piano songs, the same feeling inside my heart that I hide away from the world like a secret compartment locked away deep deep deep in the center of my being, like everything passes through me as if I'm an open door. Sometimes I want to be invisible and sometimes I wish I could scream out to tell you exactly what my heart feels. I haven't made any progress saying what I feel, and maybe that's why I feel so terrible holding it inside (implosions that go boom).

Today I had breakfast at noon with luella, an orthodontist appointment to take a mold of my teeth, chocolate shakes with kg and endless hours of conversation, a round of pokemon monopoly where I was last, and guitarhero/brawl. Anthony is here nowwwwww (finally after 11). Goodnight and goodbye.

I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart; i will break

Because I didn't update about yesterday's rendezvous (and my laptop is broken)...
Yesterday's recap: Chichi's with the gang (salad please, luella &everyone got pasta), endless guitar hero playing at lauren's house, a failed attempt at watching penelope, and the swan princess, stargazing, but there was a full moon so we could only see the big dipper.
Today: MOLESTA LA BRESTA x100, penelope at lauren's house, sightreading disney piano songs, the $1 bread bag at soupplantation, starbucks run, guitar hero rockband playing flyleaf :), frenchtoast with honey baked by claire lee, farmer's market lauren got grounded, and 25 cent bowling night, jumping on anthony when he arrives (buttcheek?!),

All in all, I'm feeling a bit high and dry. I wish I had a timeturner that would go back to when we first began and when things were so much more.

cute dolls,

To do list for 7/14:
- finish math placement exam
- go to barnes& nobles
- hangout with kristen at night

- hang out with the gang

- read and/or watch movie (pokemon)

edit:

I'm still working on my math placement exam! I can't remember any calculus at all (its very frustrating because I feel incredibly stupid and slow... like a slow slow sloth). Math is going to be the death of me.

Today was made up of boba milk tea at lollicup with lauren and luella while I worked on calc, car rides with luella as the driver, barnes & nobles, emily dickinson, little bear books, spinach & mac and cheese & mashed potatoes at boston market, bubble game on vincent's phone, pokemon shows, & driving james' car :)

I'm slowly thawing. I promise I'm trying.

i wish i had an epiphany

I don't even know how to say what I mean. Its like trying to fit my scattered thoughts through a funnel to form coherent words and phrases, except that they won't go through. Maybe its my lips that are blocking what I want to say (or my brain). Practice, practice, practice makes perfect. But everything's going swimmingly and I don't want to ruin things because everyone seems happy just the way things are. I think my brain is going to explode from holding it all in and then everything will come tumble out of my mouth as incoherent thoughts that make no sense at all.

a simple day:

7:58 am I watched Amelie, and when I finished, the sun had come up. I put my head down on my cloud pillow and said I would only sleep for a few hours.
3:13 pm Slightly disoriented, I lifted my head in the heat of the blazing sun. Glancing at the clock, I realized my parents went to church without me. Shower.
4:31 pm I called luella, she was at v&a. I drove the mini and listened to music and wrote essays all day. Then we ate.
8:04 pm I made dinner for my parents. We watched Amelie, and my dad loved it.
3:56 am I'm still awake & I'm slightly panicked because I really need to do that math placement exam (I don't remember any math at all). I made a todo list for this summer (I know its a bit late, but I want to get as much done this summer as possible. No more sitting around!).

http://listography.com/clairelee

all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom

Today, I woke up earlier than usual. I've been putting a hole in my wallet, but I did
get a new green wallet today. I baked strawberry cupcakes for kg, but I realized I
didn't have any cupcake liners, so I set off to the thrift store, buying a cute vintage
letter file and a heart shaped corked glass bottle (to put paper stars in). After, I got a
cute blue ecobag that had a smiling sun on it. I used it to carry the groceries (I made
dinner tonight). I also got enough felt to make tons and tons of envelopes and
bunnies and lions with lollipops. Feltbunny will be happy to have new friends.
When the sun set, I headed off to barnes & nobles with luella, and got "No one belongs
here more than you" by Miranda July. I'm so excited to read it. I'm really spending
too much money, so I need to get a job soon! Sweet dreams.

Speculations, Blueberries, & Hello Kitty

Today helped me tear away from the routines of the past few monotonous weeks. Luella came over, and we sojourned to the mall, drifting through stores like ghosts through walls. Then we ate rattlers :) My insides pang with a complicated mixture of regret and sorrow, though today has helped me think of other things. Abe, dan, ashlie, so many more. I wish I could be carried like a paper doll, then I could have paper doll clothes. I am eating blueberries & trying to find a song to fit my mood, and I've yet to find a song (ipod on shuffle, ihome), or atleast, lift me from this rut.