Is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?

Each day passes by like water through your cupped fingers, slipping faster than you could ever imagine. Time is money (so strange how true that is). I have so many gaps in my memory, I think I'm going to need help filling them in.

Saturday August 2nd: I went to Venice again, but this time with my family. I don't know why today wasn't a good day; I don't really get along with them. We stopped by my cousin's frozen yogurt shop and ate dinner at a brazilian cafe. It was so unfair because everyone else drank delicious drinks without me. I barely even ate (maybe that was a way of rebelling). I just stayed up all night watching gilmore girls to make me feel better.

Sunday, August 3rd: Church. Big whop. Traffic was horrendous. I went over to luella's after a long wasted day, and we sat on a blanket outside to watch stars and talk. It was so peaceful and beautiful, it was almost like out of a movie scene.

Monday, August 4th: I chilled with the gang later at night after I realized most of my day was wasted waiting for my mom. We were supposed to make a music video. At night, I had to leave to chill with others (I really felt so horrible leaving, but I don't think I was dressed for the music video occasion). Kristen & I talked a lot and some rent-a-cops beamed lights at us to make sure we weren't doing anything illegal. A. was being mean.

Tuesday, August 5th: I went to LA with my parents, going shopping mostly in the fashion district. We went to the american apparel factory to buy some nice socks (there was this killer skirt, buy I couldn't find it in my size). After, we went to eat Red Mango and lauren and I danced in front of walgreens to her macbook while a edited the video they had made.

Wednesday, August 6th: a few gilmore girl's episodes + traffic ticket.

Thursday, August 7th: Today was so pointless at first. I had to take colin to registration, but he forgot his forms, so going back home, we ran into a delivery guy. I had to sign for it, but one of the palates broke, so I helped move boxes. After, we rushed back to canyon (there was a rediculous amount of traffic, construction, and red lights). We were too late. What a waste of time and gas. I got to see amylo though and I gave her her birthday present. We sat at her house talking for a while. After, I was going to hang out with d., but what a big surprise; he couldn't. Anyhow, I was able to go with luella & the gang to roland heights because they took two cars. We went to Diamond Plaza and took pictures at Cue! We saw so many cute stickers and stationary, and we got a "free" 6 oz. but what we didn't know was we had to pay for the rest of the weight. We played the shake it mario party game and I exercised because I felt really disgusting. We sang songs on the way home. Today ended pretty great, plus I got "Hero With A Thousand Faces" in the mail today, finally.

I hate the feeling of being full.

I know I haven't updated in some time. The past week has been pretty crazy, real horrorshow. I'll explain more of my endeavours later. For now, I'm off to the park with the gang babes, and I'm missing some kids like crazyyyyyyy.

coffee breaths

And I'm not hallucinating. My brain is such a wreck right now, but I know I'm right about this because everyone else sees it too. I feel like a starfish, slowly attaching myself to things that will disappear; and yet, I'm not the starfish because I am also the one slowly disappearing. If I could only understand what's around me, like extending my thoughts, projecting them through space and time.

Monday, I rolled out of bed and waited for the phone to ring. I went to venice beach with the gang; my dslr died, so I took pictures with my manual film camera that I bought from the flea market. We roamed the streets and looked at the weird buddha statue. Then we ate sandwiches that j. had made (he is a very good cook, I must say). We went to the rocks in the sand and did yoga stances and chased the seagulls and pretended we had only one toe (lauren). Everyone was like a banded discord; I wrote your name in the sand. I kept talking because I only wanted you to notice, but I'm beginning to realize its to late and all we can do is reminisce of better times. We stargazed.

Today, an earthquake woke me up. Consequently, I forgot my fantastic dream (I know it was good because I was sad that I woke up). It wasn't like the past dreams where its a chase or something restless; it was an adventure, but not one that wears you out. I went over to luella's and she uploaded the pictures from our photoshoot a couple days ago. We were supposed to watch gilmore girls, but I'm sure we'll get around to that soon (I'm a bit excited since my roommate loves that show). I went back home to buy groceries and eat raspberries and make chocolate cream pie (cross that off the checklist). I went back to lauren's, but d. called and we were going to leave. After much confusion, d & I ended up getting starbucks then watching this little city twinkle from the park on the hill. I don't know how to feel; I dont know how to think. What is living without regrets? I don't know any more.

i am for you - waking ashland

The past few days (and the next couple of days will be) have been packed with so many things (perhaps to make up for the summer weeks that have been spent doing nothing). There is so much on my summer todo list, yet I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of everything that I could do, so I'm going to carpe diem. I've been dreaming so much more, too, so I decided to start a dream journal with a pretty cream coloured journal with trees on it.

Tuesday: Luella and I went to the flea market (after a bit of searching for the exact location). We looked around and found numerous glasses, and odds and ends. Luella found a cute lighter that cost too much, and I found some old teapots for my mom's collection, but I couldn't remember how the rest of her's looked so I didn't buy them. Instead, I bought an old manual film camera with a flash included! I was very very excited. After, we went to the antique store and the thrift store, but we didn't get anything. After I got to lauren's house, I had to go back home to help daddy, but we got into this big old fight which made me feel so crummy in general. Anyhow, I went back and organized all my tabs with luella (we are such neat freaks), and dean asked me to go watch the dark knight with him. I went; it is AMAZING. Back at his house, he burned me a cd of his favorite songs and we talked the night away.

Wednesday: I woke up so restless, unprepared for a long day of rollercoasters and sore throats from screaming. X2, tatsu, water ride, deja vu, csi show, riddler's revenge<3, etc.

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day, I can feel it in my bones.

i wish we had an urbanoutfitters

Today was quite a busy day, and also, I am using older pictures since I cannot upload the ones I've taken recently. Today, I had astro obbins with lucy (she treated me because I won a bet we made). I took almost three hours to get ready. We didn't even eat inside br; instead, we went to a nearby parkbench and talked and ate. Then we raced in our cars (vroom vroom) to goodwill where I found a pair of boots that were really warm for when I go to boston and it snows. On the way there, I saw justin's car with his little weener antenna thing, so I called him and we met up at the mall. I drifted around with him and went shopping myself (some jewelry and a vest). I then bought a journal for my dreams and the interpretations of my dreams (my own interpretations with the assistance of other dream guides like freud though I still need to get his book). And on my way home, kristen called me and wanted to go for a coffee. I got to its a grind early and bought a 50/50 (orange juice and white chocolate... its alot more delicious than it sounds), but we ended up going to bj's with a couple of her friends to eat pzookies. All in all, I had a very eventful day though I did miss my gang (and I tried to hang out with them after, but my dad wanted me home... he still doesn't trust me I don't think). I really had fun today, and it was nice seeing all of my friends (all in one day!). Goodnight, I am going to read the amber spyglass tonight, but not too late because I have to get up early.

I am slipping through,

I got lost today (literally). After brunch with my parents in our breakfast nook, I fell back asleep because I stayed up all night reading The Subtle Knife and listening to slow tunes. I went to church late; they were happy to see me (its been a month since I've gone). Pb & Audrey took me to cpk and to borders to get two journals (one red lined and a plain black moleskine). Fil was there, and sometimes when you see him suddenly, your feel a bit stunned and your heart pounds violently like its trying to rip out of your chest (he is really gorgeous). Then I got all confuzled and went home the wrong way. I'm at luella's now and anthony & jusin are over. They are cutting out pictures from magazines; I shall join them soon. I miss nic so much, I hope that I see him before I leave across the country (only 5 more weeks). Time goes by so fast; I'm really scared on the inside even though I've said I want to leave so badly. I'm just really scared of change and of the unknown, and of missing everything at home. I'm running out of time and of excuses.

Guess who.

Today I woke up after the sun was already in the sky, and I took forever to get ready. For some reason I dreaded being around others, but when I finally came, I felt much better. Lollicup again when anthony is working. Reading magazines, catching up on drawing. Lost words, like lost boys; Sleepy Hollow was fantastic, Johnny Depp is quite an actor (though no one could take him seriously, and we kept laughing at the man with fangs). Music through blue headphones, and I'm sorry to say that I pushed you away, I just wanted to be alone. Night walks in these boots, guitar playing with my fingers aching again. Maybe if we lived forever I could begin to form words to capture exactly what I feel, but I'm glad you did.

And here I am, sitting like a hopeless dreamer, wishing for apple pie and ice cream sundaes. Its already 3 am; where has all of the time gone? It slips away so quickly like a fast moving current or a getaway car (you see its already sunday, and it feels like monday only hours ago). I've been reading my little narnia quote book with little sayings like "When things go wring, you'll find they ususally go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better" which I find completely true.

have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

X marks the spot. Sometimes I get this feeling like we are all in a slowmotion cycle that repeats itself over and over again. The same piano songs, the same feeling inside my heart that I hide away from the world like a secret compartment locked away deep deep deep in the center of my being, like everything passes through me as if I'm an open door. Sometimes I want to be invisible and sometimes I wish I could scream out to tell you exactly what my heart feels. I haven't made any progress saying what I feel, and maybe that's why I feel so terrible holding it inside (implosions that go boom).

Today I had breakfast at noon with luella, an orthodontist appointment to take a mold of my teeth, chocolate shakes with kg and endless hours of conversation, a round of pokemon monopoly where I was last, and guitarhero/brawl. Anthony is here nowwwwww (finally after 11). Goodnight and goodbye.

I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart; i will break

Because I didn't update about yesterday's rendezvous (and my laptop is broken)...
Yesterday's recap: Chichi's with the gang (salad please, luella &everyone got pasta), endless guitar hero playing at lauren's house, a failed attempt at watching penelope, and the swan princess, stargazing, but there was a full moon so we could only see the big dipper.
Today: MOLESTA LA BRESTA x100, penelope at lauren's house, sightreading disney piano songs, the $1 bread bag at soupplantation, starbucks run, guitar hero rockband playing flyleaf :), frenchtoast with honey baked by claire lee, farmer's market lauren got grounded, and 25 cent bowling night, jumping on anthony when he arrives (buttcheek?!),

All in all, I'm feeling a bit high and dry. I wish I had a timeturner that would go back to when we first began and when things were so much more.

cute dolls,

To do list for 7/14:
- finish math placement exam
- go to barnes& nobles
- hangout with kristen at night

- hang out with the gang

- read and/or watch movie (pokemon)

edit:

I'm still working on my math placement exam! I can't remember any calculus at all (its very frustrating because I feel incredibly stupid and slow... like a slow slow sloth). Math is going to be the death of me.

Today was made up of boba milk tea at lollicup with lauren and luella while I worked on calc, car rides with luella as the driver, barnes & nobles, emily dickinson, little bear books, spinach & mac and cheese & mashed potatoes at boston market, bubble game on vincent's phone, pokemon shows, & driving james' car :)

I'm slowly thawing. I promise I'm trying.

i wish i had an epiphany

I don't even know how to say what I mean. Its like trying to fit my scattered thoughts through a funnel to form coherent words and phrases, except that they won't go through. Maybe its my lips that are blocking what I want to say (or my brain). Practice, practice, practice makes perfect. But everything's going swimmingly and I don't want to ruin things because everyone seems happy just the way things are. I think my brain is going to explode from holding it all in and then everything will come tumble out of my mouth as incoherent thoughts that make no sense at all.

a simple day:

7:58 am I watched Amelie, and when I finished, the sun had come up. I put my head down on my cloud pillow and said I would only sleep for a few hours.
3:13 pm Slightly disoriented, I lifted my head in the heat of the blazing sun. Glancing at the clock, I realized my parents went to church without me. Shower.
4:31 pm I called luella, she was at v&a. I drove the mini and listened to music and wrote essays all day. Then we ate.
8:04 pm I made dinner for my parents. We watched Amelie, and my dad loved it.
3:56 am I'm still awake & I'm slightly panicked because I really need to do that math placement exam (I don't remember any math at all). I made a todo list for this summer (I know its a bit late, but I want to get as much done this summer as possible. No more sitting around!).

http://listography.com/clairelee

If you could have any thing, what would it be?

The power to express myself without any barriers.
I wish I were terribly creative or clever or witty, that I could talk like Elizabeth Bennet or take photographs like Samantha. I wish I had so much more to offer, that my eyes would see beauty in the simple things of life, " to look for things no one else catches."

Kg came over my house and we watched starwars episode six. It was spectacular; Darth is my favorite. We then headed over to lauren's to bake a&v cupcakes (pokemon cupcakes). We ended up watching Amelie, such a beautiful movie. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I've been playing Comptine D'un Autre Ete from Amelie on repeat and closing my eyes in the dark. I can hear the train whistle through the night (I always try to pass under the bridge when it is going across). I feel so restless, so I've been arranging things in my room, sorting things into piles of things that I will keep here and things I will take with me to Wellesley. Daddy came home from his trip today; it feels like when I was young and he would go off to trips for days on end. He brought me gifts, but I'm a bit sad because he won't allow me to go to abts.

I want to scream "I want to be alive too." Its so hard being left behind.

swedish meatballs & gravy

We drove an hour to Burbank for the sole purpose of swedish meatballs at ikea.
J.b. and I walked through the busy rooms as the rest of our gang headed to the
mall. Upon our arrival, we found them sleeping so soundly that even children
took great interest in them. As the sun set, we packed our picnic basket and headed
over to the park to gaze at the city lights below, pointing out the theaters and
how you could see the blinkers on cars. I ended up on the swings because they
are my favorite, so relaxing yet exhilarating. I could have not felt any smaller
than I did looking up at the stars. I'm really in the mood to make a todo list for
tomorrow.

(bold for things I did)
-thrifting at salvation army
-finish applications
-buy bluetooth for daddy
-give mom plane ticket info
-shop for dorm stuff
-stop by beverly's for felt
-bake a cake for my lovely friend
-develop film
-fix things for mr. a
-sew little things & watch movies

indecisive decisions

The morning sun evaded me again. But despite my late awakening, I had a wonderful time because I went over to kg's to watch starwars episode five. We talked for hours. I missed his laugh, his smile, his hair. The way his hugs always seemed to cover my entire frail body, and his new cast with a poem on the bottom of his foot. It talked about his soon to come leg tan. And then we drank chocolate milk.

Our happiness together was short lived, as I left and joined the gang as we set off on a journey to trader joe's (joe giant toe). Strawberry, green tea, and chocolate mochi passed around our minivan. We laughed about courage the cowardly dog and lauren's favorite episode about the sad dr. zealoust. Kristen then wisked me away (kidnapped really), and we drove to bridgeport with our identical irish cream mocha coffees in our hand. I unloaded all of my burdens, and she hers. I haven't felt so relieved for a long time, I hadn't seen her for a long time.

I have so many bug bites all over my bare back and arms and shoulders (That is what I get for reading outside with the lamp). Tonight I am feeling sad. I am no longer a part of theirs. No its not their fault, its mine, isn't it? Just like you pointed out.

P.S. Feltbunny has been inside my bag this entire journey. I'm very sorry, he must feel neglected.

fleamarkets & pour the drinks

yesterday: trip to the flea market without the flea market existing. ending up going to mountasia for fun with lauren's lost coin bag. battle royale and long bunnies. sitting on the sidewalk with foldout chairs and longboards rolling around. movies of jackie chan and jet li. songs that fill my memory and dreams.

today: lunch with dean, and icecream (phish food). walking around the mall, endless talks. looking for clothes, but ending up buying books. music in the car. sad phonecalls. kickback at twigs and bp. she came and wouldn't stop staring at me. all i wanted to do was melt away. he came. we talked alot more than ususal. i drove.